11/14/2022 0 Comments The priests amazing grace![]() ![]() ![]() Year after year, as I began to grow in the Lord and learned how to allow him to change my heart, it would lessen. Still every year at the time of the abortion and at the time of my due date, I would be covered by that thick cloud of guilt, shame, anger, and depression, not to mention the emotional struggles on a daily basis that I still didn’t understand. The pain still continued.īeing pregnant, I was soon to be a mommy now and I vowed to be the best mom there ever was to her to make up for my horrible mistake. In April 1991, I went to an Easter musical and heard the Pastor say, “There is nothing you have done that God won’t forgive you for.” So that day I gave my heart back to Jesus. I was admitted to the psychiatric unit for a time. I was so desperate to reach this child and there was nothing that could ease that pain. I was tormented of dreams of a crying baby that I couldn’t get to or comfort. I didn’t understand all of the emotions I was feeling. ![]() I was angry with my boyfriend and soon broke up with him. Nobody told me, nobody explained to me what I was doing. I recall sitting on the floor in the stall sobbing and wanting to die. I got up from my seat and ran to the bathroom. I can’t explain the devastation of my heart. One day in school, two years later, a friend of mine showed me pictures of an aborted baby. I was breathing in a black cloud all around me. So now I was not just depressed and not understanding why, but also alone. My boyfriend informed me that he was glad I had done this and that he hated the baby because it was breaking us up. The clinic didn’t care, just sent me out anyways. I nearly collapsed as I began to vomit into a grocery bag that someone held for me. They walked me out to the waiting room to meet those who went with me. This time I was taken to a cubical to get my birth control pills. I sat for a few minutes and I was called again. The same women and girls who were in the other room were now here, in pain, quiet, numb, just like me. Following the procedure I was taken to another big room, but this one had recliners and couches. I was numb in my mind, but in agony in my body. I just knew that there was an emptiness coming over me. I will never forget the sound of the machine or the way it got louder or quieter depending on what it was “sucking up.” I didn’t know at that time what was happening. When she said, “That’s the last rod,” I thought it was over but then she finished with, “You’re almost done.” I could feel the heat of my tears streaming down my face and the strong desire to get up and run out of there. “Just breathe Honey, you’re doing great,” she repeated it over and over as she caressed my head just as my mom did for me years later while I was giving birth. I was squeezing the pillow behind my head with one hand and crushing the nurse’s hand with the other. With each rod that was inserted it grew worse. Pain-pain like I had never experienced-began to take over all of my senses. She held my hand and tried to help me relax the procedure began. The nurse was so kind, like a mother figure. I’m stuck in this little room and I don’t know these people or what’s going to happen. My next memory is laying on a table in a very small room- barely enough room for the doctor and nurse to move around the table. Some were young like I was others were mothers with four children who didn’t want anymore. I remember looking around the room and thinking about how many people there were. There again, what’s a cervix? She had me sign some papers and sent me back to the “waiting room”. She showed me a series of metal rods and explained how they would be inserted into my cervix smallest to biggest. She told me that I was 7-8 weeks along, which meant nothing to me because I didn’t know what she was talking about. Her explanations of the procedure followed. When my name was called, I went and talked with a woman in a room. I was taken to a large room where there were chairs lining the walls and nice big televisions to keep you occupied. At the clinic there was a waiting room for the family and a waiting room for the “patients”. My boyfriend skipped school and we picked him up. My parents thought I knew what I wanted because I was so adamant that this had to be done. I was afraid and unsure of what was about to happen, so the first words from my mouth were, “I don’t want it.” So through the help of the ever-so-willing family planning, I got the information I needed and set up my appointment in Pittsburgh at a clinic. I was hoped to be the first to go to college. I was to be to be the first to graduate straight through high school in my family. ![]()
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